Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Lonely and Alone

I don’t know if alone and loneliness always go together. Or if a person experiences it almost always at the same time. I know I have been alone for quite some time now, but the loneliness just creeps in every now and then. Just every once in a while. And I don’t know if everyone do it by choice or is it just a consequence that they cannot run away from. I know my being alone is a choice I made but it is also a result of something that I had to get away from.

I thought I was happier being alone. But then somehow, somewhere along the road, someone comes along. And when you thought you will be alone no longer, then all so suddenly, the loneliness sets in. And again by choice. Or is it? I thought that this is something I can be good at by now, but no. I suppose the human nature of wanting happiness in life is something that I always have in me. I love life, and more so if I am spending it with someone. I believe I have so much love in me that I wouldn’t want it wasted on just myself. The kind of love you don’t give your children, your family. It’s the kind of love you would want shared with someone. Both physical and emotion-filled. I guess not being able to find that someone somehow brings in the loneliness. To be able to cope with it is good, but I still think it is not the situation I would like to be in for the rest of my life. I have always wanted to grow old with someone. I am independent in that I can take care of myself, but to care for someone, not necessarily to be cared for, is something I look for in life.

But I guess not everyone that I ran into this lifetime wants the same thing as I do. I don’t know if I am just vulnerable or plain stupid. But I don’t mind getting hurt. I know it’s all part of it. I think people who don’t want to love or be showered by it, are just afraid to get hurt in the end. And just wouldn’t want to go through that hurt process, because if they try to avoid it, they have certainly experienced it before. But it skips my human mind (which I want to believe is not shallow altogether) why they are afraid to do it again and not hope for something better that might come out of it. Is it cowardice or just plain selfishness? Or is it a lifelong vengeance of some sort? For all the past hurts? For all the scars of the past? Aren’t we all supposed to live life above those? To continue this lifetime just as how God has planned it for us? He was the One who gave it, I don’t think He would want it to be lived otherwise than a happy and fulfilled one. A life full of love. Happiness.

Which brings me back to where and what I have right now. Lonely and alone. Well, I guess I have to snap back to reality and do something about being alone and lonely. Go on with life. Aspire for happiness. And if I find it, hold on tightly, but dearly, to it.

peacorpus

14 june 2005

9 comments:

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Loneliness and solitude are for me two entirely different animals. I can be alone and be utterly contented, at peace and happy, and I can be lonely in a crowd or at a party--or when I'm alone. In In fact, I am often more likely to be lonely with people than without them.

I think the loneliness you are referring to here is the longing for a romantic partner, which fulfills a desire for closeness different than the love or friends and family. I think it is a deep biological need or drive. I lived for many years without a partner and I know that longing well, and am happy to report I now have a sweetie! Finally.

I had love and a productive life before, and there is something deeply satisfying about a partner.

Thank you for posting to Silk Creek Portal!!!

peacorpus said...

Yes, it definitely is. I don't know if this has something to do with age, or perhaps insecurity? I don't know, I have never really taken the time to search myself that deeply. But I understand it and can relate very well to being happy when alone than in a crowd (but with happy thoughts of someone, I should say).

I can tell you're happy. I have known what and how it was like to be happy, and so it is something that I definitely wish for again.

And to be able to find a sweetie like you finally did!

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I wish you love and also deep satisfaction with yourself and your own choices.

peacorpus said...

thank you. that means so much.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I understand the yearning for a partner--and deeply sympathasize!!! At the same time, think it is important to be a whole person alone. For me anyway, finally accepting myself as whole and valuable and independent was one of the factors that led me into a new partnership. In a way, I gave up needing a partnersip before I found one. So I wish you wholeness--independence--and love.

sugarfree said...

A profound personal reflection on a universal human experience. We cannot 'know' His purpose or design; only live fully in the rich and vibrant currents of our experience while we are here.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Let's hear it for living fully and richly in the vibrant currents of our experience--what more is there or could there be?

peacorpus said...

i believe i must have lived life fully and had settled myself into things that i am in utmost comfort. not of anything material but of deep contentment and so at this time i know what i want and what to look for. if those that i had looked into or have expressed desire for have something else for them, i just let it be. i cry, but it is to make myself at ease with the hurts, and the pain that entails it. thank you for the good wishes. it is always something for the heart, and for the soul as well. the "vibrant currents of my experiences" will forever take me to places where my whole and independent person will finally settle. if it can be with someone, or not, i guess it will be because it is "His design and purpose."

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

If you can achieve a deep contentment within the suffering that life brings, then truly you are alive.

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