I don’t know if alone and loneliness always go together. Or if a person experiences it almost always at the same time. I know I have been alone for quite some time now, but the loneliness just creeps in every now and then. Just every once in a while. And I don’t know if everyone do it by choice or is it just a consequence that they cannot run away from. I know my being alone is a choice I made but it is also a result of something that I had to get away from.
I thought I was happier being alone. But then somehow, somewhere along the road, someone comes along. And when you thought you will be alone no longer, then all so suddenly, the loneliness sets in. And again by choice. Or is it? I thought that this is something I can be good at by now, but no. I suppose the human nature of wanting happiness in life is something that I always have in me. I love life, and more so if I am spending it with someone. I believe I have so much love in me that I wouldn’t want it wasted on just myself. The kind of love you don’t give your children, your family. It’s the kind of love you would want shared with someone. Both physical and emotion-filled. I guess not being able to find that someone somehow brings in the loneliness. To be able to cope with it is good, but I still think it is not the situation I would like to be in for the rest of my life. I have always wanted to grow old with someone. I am independent in that I can take care of myself, but to care for someone, not necessarily to be cared for, is something I look for in life.
But I guess not everyone that I ran into this lifetime wants the same thing as I do. I don’t know if I am just vulnerable or plain stupid. But I don’t mind getting hurt. I know it’s all part of it. I think people who don’t want to love or be showered by it, are just afraid to get hurt in the end. And just wouldn’t want to go through that hurt process, because if they try to avoid it, they have certainly experienced it before. But it skips my human mind (which I want to believe is not shallow altogether) why they are afraid to do it again and not hope for something better that might come out of it. Is it cowardice or just plain selfishness? Or is it a lifelong vengeance of some sort? For all the past hurts? For all the scars of the past? Aren’t we all supposed to live life above those? To continue this lifetime just as how God has planned it for us? He was the One who gave it, I don’t think He would want it to be lived otherwise than a happy and fulfilled one. A life full of love. Happiness.
Which brings me back to where and what I have right now. Lonely and alone. Well, I guess I have to snap back to reality and do something about being alone and lonely. Go on with life. Aspire for happiness. And if I find it, hold on tightly, but dearly, to it.
14 june 2005